308: The Guest House (Part 1)

Mrs Koala opens her guest house, and her very first customers arrive.

Blinky Bill and Nutsy was first published in 1937, and as such it contains material that might be outdated, inaccurate or offensive, as well as material that would now be considered quite dark for children’s fiction. Aside from language that Madame Magpie is personally uncomfortable using, the text has been left as it was originally published.

Madame Magpie’s Bedtime Stories will always be available to stream for free, but if you’d like to support the podcast, you can do so via Patreon at patreon.com/MadameMagpie. For $3/month, Patreon members can download episodes for offline listening. 

Blinky Bill was written and illustrated by Dorothy Wall, first published by Angus & Robertson in 1933. Sound effects are from Zapsplat, Epidemic Sound, Pixabay, Soundly and Dylan Barfield. 

All images are made by Josh Dykgraaf using Dorothy Wall's original illustrations. Madame Magpie is a creation of Alix Roberts. Narration and character voices by Alix Roberts.

Madame Magpie’s Bedtime Stories are recorded and edited by Alix Roberts (aka Madame Magpie) on the lands of the Wurundjeri and Bunarong Peoples of the Kulin nation. Madame Magpie acknowledges the rich and extensive history of storytelling among Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, and pays her respects to past and present elders of all nations.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello everyone. My name is Madame Magpie. And I'm here to tell you a story. This story is called Blinky Bill and Nutsy by Dorothy Wall. Chapter 5. The Guest House. First of all came a most distinguished gentleman, Mr. Tree Kangaroo. He was cluttered up with luggage, all attached to his tail, by the way, and judging from his appearance, he had come a long way. A hen, he coughed, as he approached the manager's office, where Splodge sat on a flat rock, underneath the bough of a pretty sapling. A large book and pencil lay before him on the stump of a tree. Is this the I home away from home guest house? Mr Tree Kangaroo asked, looking disdainfully down his nose at Splodge. Yes, sir, Splodge replied politely. Are you seeking accommodation? Yes, providing the house is select, and no loud parties at night, Mr Tree Kangaroo said, with a look upwards to where Mrs. Koala was busily engaged preparing the supper. Only people with references taken. Splodge snapped. And I'd like to see yours before you sign the visitor's book. All terms to be paid in advance. That's a bit sudden, isn't it? Mr Tree Kangaroo answered, feeling in his pouch for the necessary papers and money. We have to protect ourselves against impostors, Splodge replied. Of course, of course, Mr Tree Kangaroo said hurriedly, still fumbling in his pouch. Splodge eyed him suspiciously, while the traveller slowly emptied all sorts of odds and ends on the ground. There's my pipe and there's my tobacco, he said, as he pulled out a twig with a gum nut attached to it. Also several dry leaves. And that's my hanky pointing to a grubby piece of rag. But where in the world is my money? Ah, here we are, he exclaimed with a big sigh. I knew I had it. And there's my banking account for reference. He handed Splodge a shiny sixpence, together with a piece of torn newspaper. That's all right, Splodge said, clapping him on the back and dropping the sixpence in a rusty tin. Don't think for a minute I distrusted you, he added, but one has to be so careful in this business. Think what would happen if a couple of locusts got loose in the pantry. Lo, fellows, Mr Tree Kangaroo sniffed. Please sign the visitor's book, Splodge said, handing the guest the pencil. And do you mind not wetting it first? It's that bluey stuff. If you jab hard enough it will show up. Mr Tree Kangaroo jabbed right through the page. That's a nuisance, Splodge remarked, ripping out the underneath page. That's all loss. And flipping the paper over his shoulder, he called to Blinky to help the guest carry his luggage up the tree. Oh, by the way, do you want breakfast in bed? Splodge asked. Is there any extra charge? Mr Tree Kangaroo asked. Not if you get up and carry it there yourself, Splodge answered. Is this a cash and carry business? Mr Tree Kangaroo demanded crossly. My apologies, sir, Splodge said at once. Perhaps I was over eager to please you. And just a little too eager to please yourself, the guest remarked haughtily. Boy, he shouted, help me with my luggage. He doesn't mean me, does he? Blinky asked Splodge, pointing to the guest. Yes, yes, Splodge whispered hurriedly. Help him up and be most polite. He's a bit ruffled already. So am I, Blinky declared. Then, walking over to the guest, he announced in a loud voice I'm Blinky Bill, and that's what you've got to call me, not boy. A modern child, I suppose, the guest remarked. Never mind, we won't quarrel over names. Give my tail a lift up, boy, and be mighty careful the way you handle it. I've had rheumatous in the end of it very badly lately. That's why I've come here. A change of climate and a little warmth may work wonders. I'll teach him not to call me boy, Blinky muttered, as Mr Tree Kangaroo started up the tree. Lift it, lift it, he shouted irritably, as Blinky had made no effort to help with his tail. Rushing to his aid, Blinky grabbed the tip of the guest's tail and lifted with all his strength. That's the idea, Mr Tree Kangaroo grunted with satisfaction. Then a howl of pain came from his lips as Blinky bit savagely the very tip of the gentleman's tail. That'll teach him, he grunted to himself. It must be the acute rheumatis, he said aloud, as Mr Tree Kangaroo turned to inspect his tail. The worst twinge I've ever had, he remarked. Let's get up quickly. Another one of those and I'd die. They must be pretty painful, Blinky replied, staggering under his load. Dreadful, dreadful, the guest puffed, mopping his head with his handkerchief. Mrs. Koala stood ready to receive her visitors, smiling and bowing graciously, while Natsy stood behind her, peeping at the newcomer. You really need a rope and basket to heave people up, he puffed. That's a fine idea, Mrs. Koala replied. I'll mention it to my manager. I'll work it, Blinky cried. I'll haul them 'cause it's a man's job. You go and speak to the manager about it, Mrs. Koala said to her son. And ask him to make arrangements about fresh cabbages and potatoes, also carrots. I've been so busy making up beds that I've forgotten to order food, she explained to Mr Tree Kangaroo. That doesn't sound like a home away from home, he replied coldly. Haven't you anything for supper? Oh yes, I've provided for that, Mrs. Koala said with a smile. Let me show you to your room. Leading her guest to a very large, comfortable bed, padded well with leaves, she pulled a few branches together to make it more private. This looks good, her guest said, turning back a few leaves and peering anxiously among them. No spiders, I hope, he remarked off handedly. Dear me no, misses Koala said, with a shocked expression. This is a select guest house. Mr Tree Kangaroo flung himself on the bed with a sigh of relief. Kindly take your boots off, Mrs. Koala said sternly. I quite forgot, her guest apologized. Taking his boots off, he flung them on the floor, as he thought, but they went sailing down through the branches to land right on top of the manager's head. Dog's body Splodge roared. What was that? The guest's feet Blinky remarked, as he dodged the boots. Disgusting fellow Splodge expounded. For two whiskers I'd throw him out. But you can't climb, Blinky said, looking at his friend. I'll shake him out if he doesn't behave. Splodge replied. Anyway, what are you here for? Can't you see I'm up to my tail in work? Blink gave his message to the surprised Splodge. Now where in the world am I to get all these things from? he said, scratching his head. I know, Blinky exclaimed. Over at Farmer Scratchit's. He's got dozens and dozens of cabbages and carrots, and piles and piles of potatoes. You mean we're to steal them? Splodge asked. Not exactly, Blinky replied. We'll only borrow them. Borrow cabbages? And how do you think we're going to return them when the guests have eaten them? Splodge asked. No. I'll have to ask Farmer Scratchit if he'll sell them to us. Meanwhile, three more guests had arrived, all asking for accommodation. Mr and Mrs. Goanna and their daughter, a fair skinned, shy little thing, who darted around the back of the tree and hissed loudly when Splodge looked at her.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

We want a double bed and a single one, Mrs. Goanna said.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Run up and tell your mother to make up a double bed, Splodge ordered Blinky. She's not going to sleep near me, Blinky said, pointing at little Daisy Goanna. She makes noises like ginger beer bottles going off. Are you referring to my Daisy? Mrs. Goanna asked with indignation. She's making awful noises, Blinky retorted, just like escaping steam. Go up and deliver my message to your mother. Splodge thundered, while he made efforts to calm Mrs. Goanna. A double bed, Mrs. Koala exclaimed, upon hearing the message. That's strange. Well I'll have to do it. And straight away she began piling the leaves from one bed on top of the other.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

Fancy wanting a bed as high as that, she said, when the work was completed.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Perhaps the guest's a bower bird? Natsy suggested. Good heavens, hide my blue slippers, Mrs. Koala said excitedly. They'll steal anything blue, those bower birds. When is the dinner gong going? Came from Mr Tree Kangaroo's direction. Any time now, Mrs. Koala replied, still thumping and pushing the double bed into shape. A great deal of hissing suddenly sounded at the foot of the tree, and Mrs. Koala, peering down, nearly fell from the tree with astonishment.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Good gracious, if it's not the Gowanna family, all hissing like a lot of boiling kettles. Quick, Nutzy, get the tea ready.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

The Gowanna family hissed extraordinarily as they climbed up the tree. With studied care they advanced step by step, their great banded bodies bending from side to side, while their eyes were fixed on one spot, Mrs. Koala's front door, or, in other words, the stout branch that served as a doorstep to the upper regions of the tree. Here we are, Mr. Goanna hissed as he wriggled on to the branch, followed by his wife and daughter. Mrs. Gowanna peered through a lawnette made from grass. It could be made a little more attractive, she hissed, with her head in the air.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

I hope the menu will tempt our jaded appetites. Do you think it is quite select enough for us?

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Daisy Goanna asked, peeping this way and that.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

We, at least, will give tone to the place. Share's the proprietress Mr Goanna hissed, as Mrs.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

Koala scrambled down the tree to greet them. How do you do? Mrs. Goanna wheezed.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

Is our sweet ready?

SPEAKER_01 15:36

Come this way, please Mrs Koala replied with a bow.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Everything's in readiness one double bed and one single bed. We'll rest for a few minutes before tea, Mrs.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

Koanna replied. Follow me, Mrs. Koala said, leading the way until the suite was reached.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

Where's the double bed?

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Mrs. Goanna asked, raising her eyebrows. There it is, Mrs. Koala replied, pointing to the pile of leaves. That's a single bed, Mrs. Goanna said haughtily. No it isn't, Mrs. Koala replied indignantly. Look at all the leaves I've piled up.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

I took the toplot from another bed. That makes it double. How pathetic Mrs.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Goanna sniffed, turning her head away.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

One can see yours is not a select guest house. It is select, Mrs.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

Koala replied crossly.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

And I'm the selector. I'll be pleased if you and your family will go elsewhere. I entertain only the best people. Oh did you hear that?

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Daisy Goanna hissed in horror.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

We, the bandit monitors, to be spoken to like that.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Take your bands and your hissing away came a deep growl from Mr Tree Kangaroo's direction. I'm waiting for my dinner, and you're holding it up. What's for dinner? Mr Gowanna suddenly asked, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. Any rabbits? Certainly not, misses Koala replied tartly. The rabbits are our guests, and not to be put on the menu. Guests all the Goanna family hissed loudly. Rabbits for guests. Do you know we eat them by the dozen? Mrs. Goanna said, with her head in the air. I wouldn't be surprised, Mrs. Koala replied. In fact, nothing you did would surprise me.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Come, Bertram, this is no place for respectable people like us, Mrs.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

Koanna said, turning to her husband, and in less than a minute all three were shuffling down the tree again. Old coppers, that's what they are, Mrs. Koala said to Nutsy, kissing and spluttering around my place like a wash day at the zoo. You should have poked them overboard, Nutsy said sympathetically. I wish Blinky had been here. He'd have done it. Is my Tucker ready? Mr Tree Kangaroo sounded as though he was becoming impatient. Yes, yes, Mrs. Koala called. Come this way into the dining room. Tie your apron and cap on, she whispered to Nutsy, and when he comes up hand him a few gum nuts to chew while I prepare his tea. Mr Tree Kangaroo climbed with great alacrity to the dining room, where Nutsy stood holding some gum nuts. She bowed ever so sweetly as the gentleman sat down on the branch and offered him the dainties. What's this? What's this? he said with a grunt, eyeing the nuts with suspicion. They're to chew, to keep you quiet until your tea's ready, Nutsy replied sweetly. Then Mr Tree Kangaroo did a dreadful thing. The rudest thing I have ever heard of. He raised his paw, gave a nasty smack with it, and sent the nuts sky high. Poor Nutsy opened her mouth to cry, but Mrs. Koala, who had seen everything, and very nervous she felt about it too, cried out I'm coming, I'm coming. Don't get mad. Here's your tea. What's for tea? Mr Tree Kangaroo asked Nutsi, looking at her sternly, while she shivered from head to toes. Chewing gum or leaves? she replied, stuttering. What's chewing gum? Mr Tree Kangaroo asked, glaring at Nutsi. Is it something new? Not exactly, Nutsy replied, fumbling with her paws. It's the same as gum leaves, only you chew some leaves, and the others you just gobble. I see, Mr Tree Kangaroo said, in a slow, deliberate manner, while his whiskers seemed to be quivering in all directions at once. And that's what you expect guests to eat in a select house. Here you are, here you are, Mrs. Koala cried, fairly pushing the leaves under his nose. They're the first of the season. And the last her guest roared, as he pitched them in the same direction as the nuts. My goodness, Mrs. Koala said under her breath, what a dreadful temper! Give me my sixpence back, Mr Tree Kangaroo demanded loudly. And my bank book too. Inquire for them at the office, Mrs. Koala replied, with her nose in the air. Come, Nutsy, we'll see if Blinky has returned with the cabbages. Cabbages Mr Tree Kangaroo fairly shouted. Have you any cabbages? They're on order, Mrs. Koala replied with dignity. But they are only for gentlemen. Good day. And so saying, she and Nutsi climbed higher in the tree. Pity I lost my temper, Mr Tree Kangaroo murmured to himself, as he slowly climbed down the tree. It's years since I tasted a cabbage, but I suppose their cabbages would have slugs in them, so I've not missed much. My sixpence and bank book, please he announced to the astonished Splodge. Aren't you satisfied? Splodge asked in surprise. My sixpence and bank book Mr Tree Kangaroo thundered. And look slick, my lad. There'll be a penny charge for resting on the bed. Splodge replied coldly. He, too, was beginning to get cross. My sixpence and bank book Mr Tree Kangaroo roared. I'll for the love of spiders take them, Splodge shouted, as he hurled the rusty tin containing the treasures at the guest. Mr Tree Kangaroo tucked his sixpence and piece of newspaper carefully in his pouch, eyeing Splodge all the while. I'll have a boxing match with you some day, my young codger, he said, shaking his paw at Splodge. Mind the step as you go out was Splodge's reply. Then, turning his back on the irate guest, he spotted that gentleman's shoes. Huh, he growled to himself. He won't get those anyway. Mr Tree Kangaroo had entirely forgotten his shoes, and it was not until his feet became sore many, many miles farther on that he remembered them. That's goodbye to them, he sighed, sitting down to rest. Back at the office of a home away from home, the manager was slowly and carefully writing in a large book. Mr Tree Kangaroo came and went Profit One pair of shoes Loss nothing Not too bad for the first try, Splodge said to himself. That's it for today. Thank you for listening. Sweet dreams. Madame Magpie's bedtime stories will always be available to stream for free. But if you'd like to support the podcast, you can do so via Patreon at patreon.com slash Madam Magpie. That's M-A-D-A-M-E M-A-G-P-I-E. For three dollars a month, Patreon members have the option of downloading episodes for offline listening. Blinky Bill was written and illustrated by Dorothy Wall, first published by Angus and Robertson in 1933. Sound effects are from Zap Splat, Epidemic Sound, Pixabay, Soundly, and Dylan Barfield. All images are made by Josh Dyke Graff using Dorothy Wall's original illustrations. Madame Magpie is a creation of Alex Roberts. Narration and character voices by Alex Roberts. Madame Magpie's bedtime stories are recorded and edited by Alex Roberts, aka Madame Magpie, on the lands of the Warunderi and Boonerong peoples of the Kulin Nation. Madame Magpie acknowledges the rich and extensive history of storytelling among Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples and pays her respects to past and present elders of all nations. Madam Magpie spent time stories.